Lack of Sleep, Take the Wheel
I'll be real, I kind of forgot that I had this. It's been a long time since I wrote last. What can I say? I've been busy. I remember a time when I was extremely optimistic that I would get one of these posts out weekly. I bring it up all the time because I still think it's really funny. "The first one wasn't so hard," I thought to myself, "I can manage one of these per week." Well, unfortunately that's not how brains work, and once per week, turned into once a month, turned into... nothing. And now here I am awake at 3 A.M. because I had a need to write. Although now that I find myself sitting at a keyboard, it occurs to me that the late-night muses failed to impart me with any particular topic, so this is probably going to get more unfocused before it gets less. Listen, I'm not pleased about it either buddy, but we're both stuck here now so let's make the most of it.
Truth be told, I'm awake at 3 A.M. for a lot of reasons. Executive dysfunction? Sure. Inability to shut off my brain? Most assuredly. The hyperfocus made me do it? Bingo bango. Previously disrupted sleep schedule and difficulty forming good habits? Okay, okay! Point made, me! But the main reason I'm still awake is a mixture of many complex emotions that I'm having a difficult time unpacking. Normally I would have kept this bottled up like the healthy, emotionally mature adult that I am. But it just so happens that I have a feeling a lot of you will know where I'm coming from on this one. I'll just come out and say it: COVID-19. We're all thinking about it. Hell, it seems there's no way to get away from hearing about it. In a way, I think that's a good thing. As stubborn as we are, I believe that if a message gets repeated enough, eventually it starts to sink in. But in a lot of other ways it's not great. I mean, just look! Here I am awake at 3:30 A. M. for a whole host of reasons, but none more so than the fact that I'm scared. Not the toilet-paper-panic-buying brand of scared; the unreasoning fear of something intangible that compels you to to act irrationally in order to feel you have control over some part of the situation. No, this is the cold, logical, informed fear that constantly whispers to you in a menacing voice "you know what's coming." Perhaps it's the healthier brand of fear, and maybe less destructive in some ways, but it's in no way easier to deal with. The thing is that if it was me I was worried about, then this might be just a bit easier to take. But it's not. I lay down to sleep and the first thing I think about is all of the people I know firmly in the "at risk" category, my parents first among them. There are so many people in that category that I couldn't bear to lose, but the chances of that happening are stacking up. I'll be honest with you, it's starting to take a toll on me.
I'm sorry. This isn't really the direction I was thinking this would go when I started writing it. The last thing I want to do is rub your face in the same fear that I feel. Not that I don't think you're already feeling it, and you would have been spared had you just not read this post! It's just that I don't think we gain anything from bringing each other down to wallow in our negative emotions just to make ourselves feel a little less alone. I said before that I was awake, now at 4 A.M., because of a complex mix of emotions. You see, while fear may be the reason I'm still awake, it's not the reason I chose to write. Over the last few days I've started to see something kind of amazing and I don't think we're paying enough attention to it, or giving it the importance it merits. I've seen so many people reaching out to each other to offer comfort. Offers of small services or distractions are being made freely, open to all takers, friend and stranger alike. I've seen people making music together even though they can't be in the same room, and then posting it for the world to enjoy. Friends are celebrating each other's birthdays over Skype calls, being there for each other when they physically can't be. I've seen weddings taking place, paying no mind to the fact that the planned, full family affairs were no longer possible, and instead asserting that the only truly important part is an affirmation of love. I've seen healthcare professionals working tirelessly, certainly sleeplessly, to ensure that we get some measure of control over this, risking their health and their lives, sacrificing time with family to make sure others get to keep theirs. I've seen so many people creating and loving harder than they've ever done. People are coming together and doing their best to lift others up, contributing in any way they can, no matter how big or small, hurdling over obstacles to be with each other in any way social distancing allows, creating just to bring people a little bit of joy in these times.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that everything's going to be okay because a bunch of people did some creative things and posted them on the internet. But what I am saying is that if things get to a point of being okay, it'll be because we stuck together and helped each other. It'll be because we lifted each other up, supported our neighbors, were there for our friends, showed kindness to a stranger, sacrificed some comfort. All from a healthy six-foot-or-greater distance, of course. We can do all of this. We have been doing this. It's so easy to get caught up dwelling on all the bad, and don't get me wrong, there's a lot of it. I'm not saying there isn't. Maybe the bad isn't even outweighed by the good. But the good is there and we can't afford let it go unnoticed.
So anyway, it's almost 5 now, and all joking about hyperfocus aside, I really should try to sleep. I always say to remember that you're not alone, and I think maybe that's the main reason I wrote this tonight. We're all in the same boat right now and we need to take care of each other. As a good friend of mine recently said: step up, and stay home. I'll add to that by saying wash your damn hands, and remember that we get through the worst of this by pulling together.
Truth be told, I'm awake at 3 A.M. for a lot of reasons. Executive dysfunction? Sure. Inability to shut off my brain? Most assuredly. The hyperfocus made me do it? Bingo bango. Previously disrupted sleep schedule and difficulty forming good habits? Okay, okay! Point made, me! But the main reason I'm still awake is a mixture of many complex emotions that I'm having a difficult time unpacking. Normally I would have kept this bottled up like the healthy, emotionally mature adult that I am. But it just so happens that I have a feeling a lot of you will know where I'm coming from on this one. I'll just come out and say it: COVID-19. We're all thinking about it. Hell, it seems there's no way to get away from hearing about it. In a way, I think that's a good thing. As stubborn as we are, I believe that if a message gets repeated enough, eventually it starts to sink in. But in a lot of other ways it's not great. I mean, just look! Here I am awake at 3:30 A. M. for a whole host of reasons, but none more so than the fact that I'm scared. Not the toilet-paper-panic-buying brand of scared; the unreasoning fear of something intangible that compels you to to act irrationally in order to feel you have control over some part of the situation. No, this is the cold, logical, informed fear that constantly whispers to you in a menacing voice "you know what's coming." Perhaps it's the healthier brand of fear, and maybe less destructive in some ways, but it's in no way easier to deal with. The thing is that if it was me I was worried about, then this might be just a bit easier to take. But it's not. I lay down to sleep and the first thing I think about is all of the people I know firmly in the "at risk" category, my parents first among them. There are so many people in that category that I couldn't bear to lose, but the chances of that happening are stacking up. I'll be honest with you, it's starting to take a toll on me.
I'm sorry. This isn't really the direction I was thinking this would go when I started writing it. The last thing I want to do is rub your face in the same fear that I feel. Not that I don't think you're already feeling it, and you would have been spared had you just not read this post! It's just that I don't think we gain anything from bringing each other down to wallow in our negative emotions just to make ourselves feel a little less alone. I said before that I was awake, now at 4 A.M., because of a complex mix of emotions. You see, while fear may be the reason I'm still awake, it's not the reason I chose to write. Over the last few days I've started to see something kind of amazing and I don't think we're paying enough attention to it, or giving it the importance it merits. I've seen so many people reaching out to each other to offer comfort. Offers of small services or distractions are being made freely, open to all takers, friend and stranger alike. I've seen people making music together even though they can't be in the same room, and then posting it for the world to enjoy. Friends are celebrating each other's birthdays over Skype calls, being there for each other when they physically can't be. I've seen weddings taking place, paying no mind to the fact that the planned, full family affairs were no longer possible, and instead asserting that the only truly important part is an affirmation of love. I've seen healthcare professionals working tirelessly, certainly sleeplessly, to ensure that we get some measure of control over this, risking their health and their lives, sacrificing time with family to make sure others get to keep theirs. I've seen so many people creating and loving harder than they've ever done. People are coming together and doing their best to lift others up, contributing in any way they can, no matter how big or small, hurdling over obstacles to be with each other in any way social distancing allows, creating just to bring people a little bit of joy in these times.
I'm not going to sit here and tell you that everything's going to be okay because a bunch of people did some creative things and posted them on the internet. But what I am saying is that if things get to a point of being okay, it'll be because we stuck together and helped each other. It'll be because we lifted each other up, supported our neighbors, were there for our friends, showed kindness to a stranger, sacrificed some comfort. All from a healthy six-foot-or-greater distance, of course. We can do all of this. We have been doing this. It's so easy to get caught up dwelling on all the bad, and don't get me wrong, there's a lot of it. I'm not saying there isn't. Maybe the bad isn't even outweighed by the good. But the good is there and we can't afford let it go unnoticed.
So anyway, it's almost 5 now, and all joking about hyperfocus aside, I really should try to sleep. I always say to remember that you're not alone, and I think maybe that's the main reason I wrote this tonight. We're all in the same boat right now and we need to take care of each other. As a good friend of mine recently said: step up, and stay home. I'll add to that by saying wash your damn hands, and remember that we get through the worst of this by pulling together.
So, first of all, let me assert my firm belief that the only thing we have to fear is...fear itself — nameless, unreasoning, unjustified terror which paralyzes needed efforts to convert retreat into advance. In every dark hour of our national life a leadership of frankness and of vigor has met with that understanding and support of the people themselves which is essential to victory. And I am convinced that you will again give that support to leadership in these critical days.
ReplyDeleteIt's a cliche but it's true. We will survive this by tiny acts of kindness and a healthy dose of hand washing! Don't touch your face! Thank you Lucas for this wonderful post.